Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
