Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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