i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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