I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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