New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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