This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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