I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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