Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
