Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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