I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No subtext here. People are naked.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
