ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
