i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
