I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
