you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
