remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
