The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
