It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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