i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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