Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
