I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Holy sore nipples Batman
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
