a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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