I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
