TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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