I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
