Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am one with the molecules
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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