and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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