Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
