Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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