highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
