Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
