I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
