you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
