im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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