speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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