And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
