hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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