Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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