He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
