I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
