You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
