Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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