like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
