forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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