Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Randomize
