My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
