I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
