last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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