I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
