I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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