I think I died a long time ago.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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