I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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