anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
