Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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