Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
