Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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