if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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