I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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